In the long, storied history of
relationships, man has said all manner of stupid shit that has resulted in his
lady locking herself in the bathroom all night long while he pounds on the door
for an hour before drinking his troubles away. Of course, sometimes the nature
of the dude’s transgressions seems mystifying, partly because women are
complicated creatures with subtleties that go beyond “fridge, beer, couch,
fart, hey let’s have sex,” and partly because men are, well, idiots. But mostly
it’s because people both male and female are weirdoes, and just about anything
will set them off. But as dudes, you need to understand that there are a
handful of comments that you should never make to a woman. Jot them down on a
note card if you need to for easy reference, but whatever you do, keep these
words out of your mouth lest you awaken the lady dragon and she rains down fire
on your head and steals all your gold while you run into the hills, weeping
with terror. They are nine things you should never, ever say to a woman.
"Can I kiss you?"
Ask any
woman and she will tell you; a man should never “ask” for a kiss. Asking
for a kiss goes against everything a woman is looking for in a man. You
may as well just tell her right there that you are a boy. Her answer
might be “yes” if she's being polite, but her attraction meter on the inside
will read a firm, “no!”
“My mom
says…”
Sigh. Look, feel free to bust
this one out if you want to immediately emasculate yourself. At best, you end
up sounding like you’re comparing her to your mother, and that is not a
hornet’s nest you want to poke at. At worst, you end up sounding creepy as
hell, and believe it or not, no woman wants to get down at the Bates Motel with
Norman and his Skeletor mother. You’ll probably end up striking a tone
somewhere sadly in the middle of those two sour notes, and she’ll think you’re
an immature momma’s boy who still drops off his laundry on weekends. Women love
a dude who has the proper respect for his mother, they just don’t want to hear
about it, okay?
“You
sound/act just like your mother.”
Believe it or not but ladies tend
to have, uh, complicated relationships with their mothers, and the last thing
most of them want to hear is that they are behaving just like that obnoxious
woman they spend all their free time complaining about. The only time this is
even kinda okay is when you’re just good-naturedly giving her a hard time. But
even then you’re planting a neurotic little seed that will probably sprout
right in the middle of a legitimate argument later. A good rule of thumb? Just
scrap any and all talk of mothers, yours or hers.
Can I take you out on a date sometime?"
Similar to
No. 1, a woman wants to be with a man who is a leader and in control,
not someone who asks her permission to hit on her. Don’t ever ask a woman if
you can take her out, just ask her out. But do it in a confident way. It can be
as simple as saying, “We should hang out. What’s your number?” Or even telling
her a specific place you want to take her: “Hey, let’s take a salsa lesson
together, it will be fun!’
“You’re just full-figured.”
No, stop! You’re better than
this, man. Take a time out for a second to gather yourself before stepping on
this landmine. No matter how hard you try to save this with some variant of
“What? I like thick girls,” there is no coming back from this one without
either a slap in the face or a night filled with tears and “I swear, I don’t
think you’re fat. No, you’re beautiful. I just meant…” and so on and so on for
127 hours. And whatever you do, don’t fall for the trap of agreeing with her
when she starts talking about how much she hates skinny girls, because that’s a
doorway to hell you can never close.
"What do you want to do tonight?"
There is a saying that a woman likes a “man with a
plan,” and it is absolutely true. When you call a woman to hang out, make sure
you have a game plan. Don’t put the burden on her or she won’t see you as the
type of guy who can show her a good time.
“It’s my money.”
You’re not an asshole, are you?
Because this is something only assholes say. You end up coming across as petty,
selfish and insecure. Even if you feel like your significant other is spending
a little too much money, and even if some of that money comes from the sweat of
your brow (or, let’s be honest here, the groaning of your office chair after
another trip to Wendy’s for lunch) never ever say this. Instead, if you
absolutely have to say something, put it in terms of “we,” like “I think maybe
we’re spending a little too much money.” Even that’s not ideal and will lead to
a probably unpleasant conversation, but “It’s my money,” will lead to the end
of the relationship and her badmouthing you to all her friends as a selfish
dick.
Do
you like me?"
If I had
to pick out a single phrase that shuts a woman’s attraction switch off
permanently, this is it. Asking a woman a question like this is the opposite
of being confident. So don’t ask, just assume she likes you, and go from
there. I mean, hey, who wouldn’t?
“My ex…”
Good God, you need a friend to
follow behind you and drag you out of the room, don’t you? Only a great fool
would begin a sentence with those two unfortunate words. You never, ever want
to make your girlfriend compare herself to someone you used to bang. It will
never, ever end well. There are various shades of this, sure – I mean, if
you’re about to whine because your ex was somehow cooler, than game over man –
but even if you mean it in as complimentary a way as possible, you never, ever
want her to start letting the thought of you with your ex eating away at her
brain like some sort of relationship-hating parasite. Just do the right thing,
and burn all your old pictures and letters, or at least hide them in the closet
so you can jerk off to them when she’s not there. Wait, I’ve said too much…
"How many guys have you slept with?"
First of
all, do you really want to know? Second of all, again you are showing
insecurity, especially if you ask this in the beginning. Sure, if she asks you
first, go ahead. But trust me, you don’t want to be the one to start this
conversation. You can't win.
Anything that hints at a "future"
Often when guys are hanging out with a woman for
the first time and she mentions something she likes or likes to do, a guy will
use that as an opportunity to hint at a future date. For example, she might say
she loves Thai food, so you say, “Wow, so do I. We should go get Thai food
sometime.” Stop, stop, stop, stop! While this sounds good in theory, you must
remember that women not only want but need a man who is somewhat of a
“challenge.” If partway through the first date you are talking about hanging
out again and again and again, she knows that you are really into her,
which means the game is over and she has won. Sure, it’s nice to connect with
someone when you first hang out with them, and of course you should want to do
some fun activities together, but don’t let her know that she has “won you
over” too quickly or you’ll come off just like every other man she’s gone out
with that is ready to “put a ring on it” after date No. 1.
Often
when guys are hanging out with a woman for the first time and she mentions
something she likes or likes to do, a guy will use that as an opportunity to
hint at a future date. For example, she might say she loves Thai food, so you
say, “Wow, so do I. We should go get Thai food sometime.” Stop, stop, stop,
stop! While this sounds good in theory, you must remember that women not only
want but need a man who is somewhat of a “challenge.” If partway through
the first date you are talking about hanging out again and again and again, she
knows that you are really into her, which means the game is over and she
has won. Sure, it’s nice to connect with someone when you first hang out with
them, and of course you should want to do some fun activities together, but
don’t let her know that she has “won you over” too quickly or you’ll come off
just like every other man she’s gone out with that is ready to “put a ring on
it” after date No. 1.
"I'll call you Friday"
Ending a
phone conversation with a “next step” is a good technique if you’re trying to
sell someone something, but not when you are talking to a woman. First of all,
you are killing any spontaneity by being predictable. Second, you are also
killing any chances of her calling you, as she has to now wait for your
call or risk looking desperate. Not good.
Anything bad about her male friends
One of
the ways a woman marks a guy as “insecure” the fastest is if he starts dissing
her male friends, especially if he hasn’t met them and doesn’t know her very
well. Here’s the deal: Even if they are more than friends, you are only
making yourself look like you are scared of competition from them, which
to a woman screams “insecurity.” Best to just keep your mouth shut when they
are mentioned and focus on your game instead.
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